I enjoy a blog called “real live preacher.” I read this particular post a month or so ago, and some of the stuff reminded me of some of my stuff. Wanting to be good, denying that darkness that lives inside all of us, etc. etc. Recently I had an occasion where I allowed some of my darkness to surface and am currently pondering it to try and make some sense of it. I haven’t decided yet if it was healthy or not…too soon to tell. But it brought back to mind this blog post, and I thought you might find it interesting, too.
Here’s a little taste, if you like.
That’s an interesting thing to say. “I’m trying to be what I’m supposed to be.” What are you supposed to be?
Okay, yeah yeah. I get this. I know. You’re supposed to be who you are, be yourself, all that. I get that. I’ve told people that myself. It’s just…I AM a person who wants to be what I’m…supposed to be. You know, do the right thing. Be the right person.
Okay, let me try again. I’m really not trying to catch you in some ontological paradox. I just don’t get it. You say you want to be what you are supposed to be. And I just want you to tell me what that is. Who is this person you’re supposed to be? How would you describe him?
I don’t know. Nice? Nice to people? Caring about them and just, you know, where you go places and interact with people and it’s better because you were there. People are better off. You help people when you can.
Okay I’m still not really getting it. How about this: we’ll allow that somewhere in your mind there is an idea of what a man is supposed to be. And let’s agree that this man you want to be is a wonderful man. Just a smashing person. Leaving beauty and healing and well-being in his wake as he goes through life. Real Jesus-like.
I’m not trying to be Jesus.
Well Foy, who are you? I mean now. Forget the man you are supposed to be or want to be or will be or whatever that is. Who are you now? Let’s imagine that there is no god looking over your shoulder, okay? And you’re in a secret room with someone who will never tell anyone what you say. And further, this person is going to think the best of you. So even if you felt like punching someone in the face, you could say that and the person listening knows you would never do that.
(a portion has been snipped out—go read the original!)
What did you say?
What I said was “F*** everyone in the world but me!”
Of course, I don’t mean it or anything.
I know you don’t.