Emotional Labor and Finding Renewal in God’s love

I have to complete continuing education courses to maintain my pharmacy degree. I was browsing online for some free ones to get a few of my credits in. I found one entitled, “Emotional Labor: How it can Affect the Practice of Pharmacy.”

I completed it, but I found it had application to anyone’s personal life, and probably lots and lots of people’s professional/career lives. Here’s a concept that I don’t usually hear, whether from work-related sources, or even the church much of the time:

Every patient feels that the doctor, pharmacist, etc., should care about their case like they do, but that would require far too much investment and effort. So many times it has to be “faked.”

I don’t know – last night I just found that kind of refreshingly forthright and honest. Saying aloud (in print) what we all already know. It is impossible to continuously feel what we are required/expected to portray to the outside world to whom we have covenental or contractual expectations to fulfill…those places where being genuine and letting it all hang out are simply not permissible. It didn’t say you can somehow get out of doing the right thing – acting in a compassionate, caring manner. Just acknowledging that sometimes it’ll amount to faking it. And it went on to give tips and strategies for having the best chance of having a recharged battery, and finding the wells that nourish and restore you…the places where you can let it all hang out.

Many would say faith in God is one of those places – in intimate personal prayer perhaps, where the hair can be let down, it can all hang out.   It’s hard though when you’ve spent a lifetime of acting your way into “really nice person” status and maintaining the veneer of nice respectable Christian person.  Where do you begin, and the act end, you might ask in one of your more anxious moments?  Would you like YOU, if you were able to peel away the act?  Many, and I include myself in that set, would say that true prayer is the place where the painful peeling can take place, and ironically enough, God gives reassurance that you don’t have to work so hard at being lovable.  That whole unconditional, all-forgiving love sort of thing.   And then paradoxically strengthened to return to the honest-to-goodness (sometimes hard!) emotional labor of being on for your patients and others in your life who really DO rely on you.  That kind of prayer requires courage to face yourself, and trust that God will do a good work in you and heal you.

Lord, give me courage and trust all my days.

New (for me) Prayer Idea

I just love the way God works sometimes!

I belong to a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture), and got a discount on my vegetables by being the pickup site host…I call it my weekly veggie-sitting gig!

Anyway, I wasn’t too worried about the boredom of sitting around for a couple hours once a week…I’ve got books, mp3 player, a pad of paper and pen…I can easily entertain myself for a couple of hours, right?

Well, the pickup site is my church, so I have another way to amuse myself…a piano within eyesight of the front door that the veggie folks come to!

(yes, I play a LITTLE piano.  Emphasize LITTLE.)

Let me back up a little though.  I stumbled across this site for prayer on the mp3 when looking for the daily office as a podcast.  (note, this ISN’T a daily office podcast)

http://www.pray-as-you-go.org/

Now, I’m not sure this particular prayer podcast deeply speaks to me, but coincidentally enough, it reminded me of a prayer style that DOES!  Part of the podcast appears to be a rotating prayerful musical selection.  The particular Wednesday I was sitting there happened to be a week when Taize was the featured music.  I infrequently used to attend a Taize prayer service held at my church.  I think I want to get me a Taize album for my mp3 player!  If you haven’t heard Taize before you absolutely must give it a try!  Beautiful, repetitive, wonderful prayers set to sweet music that tugs at my heartstrings at least.

I’m trying to decide what album to purchase.  Anyone have any ideas?  I went to amazon.com and searched for taize as artist.  If you can recommend one album over another I’d love to hear your suggestion.  And if you’ve never listened to taize before you can go there to hear a brief clip to whet your spiritual appetite for more?

Pray without ceasing.  Let prayer pray within you.  That is most assuredly a niche for musical prayer (ever been unable to get a song out of your head?  Here are songs you want to feed into that endless repeat track!), and Taize is perhaps the perfect example of musical prayer!

Peace to you all, and I’d love to hear from you with opinions on this?

(bonus points for sharing your favorite taize chant with the cyberworld?  Bye again!)

About Me, revisited

I updated my “About Me” page today.

You see, in there I had previously referenced that I was still informally involved in the diaconal discernment process in my diocese of the Episcopal church.

As of Thursday, the letter to the bishop went in the mail.  I’m closing that chapter.

I feel pretty good about it.  Most people probably assumed I’d exited a long time ago, informal and off the radar as my explorations and Process was.  I don’t even get questions in my parish anymore.  Haven’t in a long time.

Close friends and spiritual confidantes I have been blessed with along the way have heard my wonders and struggles over these years.  Good, spiritually healthy struggles, please don’t misunderstand me.  Inwardly, it still occupied a great deal of my mental energies, despite my outward public appearances to most.

Until recently.  Then I was reminded that I really should be writing some sort of update on my discernment, or quite possibly finally saying goodbye.

Along with good bye to discernment is good bye to coordinating my small parish’s  Sunday school.  I have decided that I simply need a break.  The timing of the break may prove to be an unexpected blessing if it opens the door to an infusing of new ideas and energy in new leadership, or it may be terribly unfortunate, as we’ve been without a rector the past year, and are now on the brink of getting one.  No matter.  I had to listen to my heart on this one.  And I really and truly feel that God has laid his blessing on this…taking a break, and taking some time for renewal.

Heavenly Father.  In times of seeming silence and aloneness we need to call on faith that you remain near.  I trust and believe that you remain near, and are working in me to accomplish new growth, which I trust and believe will bear good fruit in due time.  Keep me receptive with wide open arms to what blessings and missions lie ahead…after I take a brief rest that is!  Amen.

untitled misc.

Tonight I was reading from “Simply Surrender” a collection of St. Therese of Lisieux’s writings gathered and combined with devotional prayers by the editor John Kirvan.  I understand this book is one in a series of devotionals based on the writings of highly regarded Christian mystics, “Christianity’s most beloved spiritual guides” as it states on the back cover.  Here’s some snippets that touched me tonight.

When everything looks black, it is indeed a heavy cross.  But you are not always to blame when this happens.  Do everything you can to detach yourself from passing cares, and then rest assured that your Father will do the rest.

and here’s another…

Do not be afraid to tell Jesus that you love him, even when you do not actually feel that love.  In this way you will compel him to come to you and carry you, like the child you will always be, too weak to walk on your own.”

and this one is precious.  To quote too much more would really stretch the understanding of publishers and plagiarism, but the context is God’s mercy and ready embrace, like the Father of the Prodigal Son, unfailingly ready to take us back in forgiveness and love…

Our Lord has every imaginable perfection but — dare I say it — he has one great handicap.  When it comes to his love for us, he is blind.  His heart thrills with joy when he has to deal with those who truly love, and who, after each little fault, fling themselves into his arms, imploring forgiveness.  He says to his angels what the prodigal’s father said to his servants: “Put a ring upon his finger, and let us rejoice.”

No more tepidity for now!

I’m re-reading a book my spiritual director has re-loaned me again: “Crossing the Desert; Learning to let go, see clearly, and live simply” by Robert J. Wicks. Excellent book! I’d like to share a couple of quotes from it that are especially touching and/or convicting to me at the present time:

“Humility is the ability to fully appreciate our innate gifts and our current “growing edges” in ways that enable us to learn, act, and flow with our lives as never before. Prior to this important passage [through the narrow gate of humility] we may be drained by defensiveness or wander in our own desert chasing a false image of self that has nothing to do with who we are really meant to be.”

and another…

“[Humility] will also allow us to have the perspective, peace, and joy that comes when we know and value our ordinary transparent selves without wasting the energy it takes to add or subtract anything from whom we really are.”

and one more…

“Humility opens up a space for sound self-respect in lieu of inordinate self-doubt or unbridled self-assurance. A space for the courage needed to be ordinary instead of wasting all of our time chasing after what we believe will make us someone special.”

Let’s just say my growing edges are chafing a little right now. But the good news is I can see a little crack of light. I think I’m progressing toward that light that finally (maybe!) starts letting go of some of the wanderlust in the ol’ desert.

Time will tell. (Be near, oh God.)

Good for nothing…NOT!

Quoted from, “The Story of a Life, St. Therese of Lisieux” by Guy Gaucher, O.C.D.

‘St. Teresa says we must feed the fire of love. We feed this fire of love by searching for all the little occasions to please Jesus … for example, a smile,  a friendly word, when I would have preferred to say nothing or look bored, etc.

What matters is the essential and not the appearance, the kernel and not the shell.  Jesus strips us so as to show that he is the one who is at work.  And these   poor little souls, seeing themselves in such great poverty, are afraid.  It seems to them that they are good for nothing since they receive everything from others and have nothing to give.’

Good for nothing.  She knew what she was talking about. She who worked at painting, while sturdy peasants vigorously got on with the heavy community work, knew the humiliation of beng thought useless: ‘Several sisters kept saying that she was doing nothing, that it seemed she had come to Carmel to amuse herself.’

How does Jesus call you to feed the fire of love?  Do you suffer, either outwardly or inwardly by a judgment from others that you are useless and not contributing?  Remember that Jesus calls us to give what he desires, not what always  “looks good” or is manically “productive.”  Sometimes, Jesus just wants our time and our gaze, I think.  What does it do to our souls when we give too much attention to those (or ourselves, if we are the judger?) who judge our actions, particularly our actions of love? What do we lose when we strive to be productive at the cost of carving out time for listening and responding to the still small, maddeningly at times subtle voice of God?  I don’t know about you, but for me it sure is easy to be discouraged or humiliated or stressed out when I don’t feel like (or genuinely can’t be!) a “valuable” producer.  And yet, in my clearer moments I know that is making it all about me, and taking me farther from the Jesus I long for.  Much to ponder.  Much to pray over…

My Lord and my God!

Ah, yes. Yesterday’s gospel (the first Sunday after Easter) was the “Doubting Thomas” passage. Thomas was looked upon negatively by my elders when I was a child. But I think he is a well-intentioned, fervent seeker. Who, after all, wouldn’t want to see the living God? Who would settle for a second hand account without yearning for their own touch or glimpse? Who wouldn’t fall to their knees in awestruck recognition when faced with the living God and cry out (or whisper depending on your individual expressive style), “My Lord and my God!”

Have you had moments like that? I thought I had, here and there. And I treasured them in times of prayer or remembrance of them then.

They fade though.  In fact, it faded enough that I began to wonder if it had all been in my imagination, this God-moment stuff.  I missed several weeks of church in a row recently, and didn’t even miss it.

Today, in the sermon, our priest announced that next week we’d be having a parish listening session on desires for Christian Formation in our parish community. And he gave us “homework” to do; much the same sort of prayerful process he goes through during the week to prepare a sermon. He requested us to pray that God show us what he would have us say. And to simply show up.

The rational part of me totally gets the pragmatic, functional intended meaning of what he meant to communicate to our parish at large, and its needs at this moment in time. But whether part of his intent or not, and I have to doubt that my own individual stirrings of the soul registered in his sermon prep process….

…all the same, I am 100% convinced that God used this sermon to touch my heart and reach me. To invite me to return to him, to “put my hands in his side, put my fingers in the nail holes. ”   To show up, in action and prayer to come closer to the living God.  In our priest’s sermon, he reminded me of something I have long intuited, but had trouble putting into words, the thing that has always troubled me about an atonement, transactional understanding of salvation:  we can’t “do it” on our own, of course, but God uses us and works with us all the time; not merely as pawns, but as partners in bringing the Kingdom, glimpses and touches of it here and there, to our earth.  One way of wrapping our minds and hearts around the resurrection, I think it could be argued, is that it is the ultimate “showing up.”  God could have risen and gloried from afar, but he came back.  He showed up.  Even to a doubting Thomas.  Even to you and me.

To make our best attempt at fully living out that partnership, we need to do our “homework.”  We must listen.  And perhaps even more importantly we must make the effort to show up, and allow ourselves a little vulnerability for God to work on us, and in us, and through us.

We must seek out the living God, and then affirm him with our own  unique, God-inspired expression of…

My Lord, and my God.

Sinfulness

Okay, so it’s late, and I’m sick (sinuses/chest/bleck) but I can’t sleep.  So I’m hashing some spiritual stuff over in my mind, in preparation for meeting with the SD tomorrow.  Not that I “should” prepare, but it’s fitting ponderings for that type of conversation, so I was being a little more intentional about connecting some dots, and identifying the questions to explore more deeply.

And you, my dear readers, aren’t privy to ALL of those ponderings of the heart/soul. <smile>

But as I was pondering, it occurred to me that with little tweaking of these late night ponderings, I could pelt out a quick followup post to the mini-rant about the Episcopal Rite 1 Confession of Sin that *could* be blogged upon.

Here’s the deal.  I’m only too aware of how frequently I sin.  Sin=separation from God, the whole things done and left undone, in thought, word, and deed bit.  Yup.  I “suck” truthfuly.  We all do of course, and intellectually I’m quite aware of that, and I am further aware that I could be nothing more than an inadequate & sinful being, not being God and all.  Do I find that comforting and reassuring?  Not especially.  No, in the still, quiet hours when I go before my Lord, I “know” and believe that he loves me [us] for my [our] good intentions and even forgives us when our intentions themselves are impure/self-centered and we return to him to express our genuine sorrow.

That knowledge that I will always be a [forgiven!!] sinner do not help reassure me.  I want to be better.  I want to not be a sinner.  <sigh>  It is becoming my conclusion that a return to prayer for repeated gentle, loving confrontations of my human imperfection will result in, maybe partially in this life, and if not in the next, a bathing in a more full recognition of God’s love and forgiveness.  I believe this, but I do not in any way feel this.

Enter in good ol’ Rite 1 and its statement that I as a feckless sinner have provoked God’s wrath and indignation.  Harumph!  That is not helpful to me, and in a weaker state of mind than I currently find myself in (maybe you find yourself there?) downright hurtful and decidedly unhelpful.  I sin, I do not do the things I have a hunch God would want me to do.  I do some things that probably make God cringe in disappointment, but wrath?  Indignation?  I do not mean to diminish my sinfulness, indeed a spot where Rite 1 gets it right, there is a pervasive sense that my sin is an intolerable burden (i.e. drives me CRAZY “to do those things I hate”), and I wish God would work a little quicker to “fix me up” to be that which he calls me to be.  But I must land on the side of those saints and Saints which insist to me that God is all love and mercy (and most assuredly NOT wrath and indignation) to those who are trying their best. (specifically at this moment I am praying with a devotional of writings from Therese of Lisieux.)  I hope that you will embrace that belief in God’s love and mercy, too, if you find yourself in relationships or church bodies that would try to tell you otherwise!

Okay, rant mode off.  May you have peace in your heart.

Love of intention, re-pondered

Never give way to your feelings, she warned her sisters, and never rely on them either for your strength or your conviction. Having lost what she called “the sweetness of presence,” the alternative as a love of intention — an act of sheer will in the face of what emotionally feels impossible. This is the post-Christian spirituality of living heroically “as if,” not “because of” but “in spite of”.

I included this snippet recently in this post

I fear I’m finding myself in the midst of an unwarranted reliance on feelings for strength. And then needlessly beating myself up for being a “feeler.”

Hogwash!

Being a feeler is a great strength. Enjoying and PROFITING from the passion that feelings provide (when they are of the buoyant, ministry-enhancing variety) is both enjoyable and smart. Succumbing to negative feelings (doubts, feelings of lack of self-worth) and believing that they speak truth to you is silly. How do I reconcile this? Doesn’t it sound like straddling the fence, cherry-picking?

Maybe so. But I believe it is the truth.

Now, I just need to extricate myself from this lukewarm feelings quagmire. In some ways, that sort of lack of feeling-intensity is harder to deal with than frank discouragement. My current feelings are of mild (quite, quite mild) discouragement, but nothing approaching full-on dark night of the soul. To even intimate that would be insulting to those who have endured that struggle. Parallels, on a lesser scale, can be drawn and pondered though I think to my further enlightenment and growth. Lukewarm is not a fun place to be, having not even any obvious target to fight and pour one’s conquering or overcoming, battling energies into. <grumble> Litany of Humility, perhaps???

The love of Intention

The following snippets are excerpted from the article, “Toward a Post-Christian Spirituality” by W. Paul Jones in Weavings Jan/Feb 2009 issue.

Background: talking about lack of consolations in modern faith, lack of modern reinforcements for “easy” life of faith, etc. Example given is discovered journals of Mother Teresa’s struggles and doubts, and extended dark night of the soul.

Removed from consolations, caught tautly between longing and emptiness, Teresa became convinced that emotions are both unreliable and deceptive. Never give way to your feelings, she warned her sisters, and never rely on them either for your strength or your conviction. Having lost what she called “the sweetness of presence,” the alternative as a love of intention — an act of sheer will in the face of what emotionally feels impossible. This is the post-Christian spirituality of living heroically “as if,” not “because of” but “in spite of”.

And here’s a better couple of examples of phrasing “fake it till you make it” also found in the same article! How convenient so soon after my recent post on such a thing!

While taking the temptation of unbelief on herself (Teresa), her outward smile bridged others into belief. This was not pretending the untrue to be true, but was more like Augustine’s will to believe in order to understand, and Wesley’s instruction to doubting ministers to preach it until you believe it.

Hmm. On second thought, fake it till you make it is not too far from Wesley’s advice at all, is it?

Heavenly Father, brother incarnate suffering Jesus, help us to be faithful in spite of all that is around us. Console us if you can – cuz you know we’re not as strong as Mother Teresa. But in the final analysis, make us stronger, and bring us to you in the end. Amen.