Hellish or Heavenly?

Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part that chooses, into something a little different than what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature. -C.S. Lewis

A friend of mine shared this quote with me a short time ago.  I had to ponder it a bit.  In some respects, I find it extraordinarily true.  In other respects, a little too black and white, a little too simplistic.  But mostly true.

I don’t necessarily know about the heavenly vs hellish dichotomy, but I absolutely, 100%’ly believe that our choices help form us, closing off some pathways that might have been present before.  Opportunity cost, I think I recall learning in high school accounting or freshman college economics.  The notion that there is a cost to choosing one thing over another, and that some choices close off other possibilities, maybe temporarily, maybe permanently.  Of course circumstances beyond our control can have these effects, too, but the important thing to take away from the pondering of this quote, I think, is that we have some degree of self-determination in forming that central thing inside us, for better or worse.  We have that responsibility and that power.

How am I choosing this day?

These Days?

Heavenly, hellish, or some delightful intoxicating combo of saved and sinner?  Hmm.

I’ve curtailed my church involvement quite a bit from say, the past 2-3 years ago.  Part of it was God-led for a sabbath season of sorts from that particular type of ministry involvement.  (Heavenly, you might say, and saying so with purity of heart, not a twinge of irony or sarcasm.  Really, prayed over that decision, and it felt “right.”)  Part of it was self-protective, and not just the innocent and beneficial stewardship of one’s time and energy.  Nope, the unvarnished truth was some of it was defensive and walling myself away from hurt, whether actual or imagined…the heart doesn’t necessarily care sometimes about factuality and objective reality.   (Hellish  <sigh>)  One ought to try though, I think, to be open to love and possibility and keep our walls to a minimum to live life to its fullest.  Hmm.

I don’t feel the same naivete and optimism I once felt about the Church, and even life in general the way I used to.  That’s disappointing to me, because I’ve always felt myself to be an optimist.  I’m not sure I like that change to my central thing…it feels like a shift is happening.  I think I should watch my choices a little more closely and with a sense of detached wonder and interest so I don’t find myself getting sucked into automatic reflexive decisions, instead of thoughtful choices.

How am I spending my opportunity costs now?  I’m “wasting time” (in a certain sense!) and “playing” in an adult sense that works for me.  Hellish or heavenly?  Time will tell, but I happen to think more the latter than the former.

I’m playing video games.   Yeah, video games!

I recently accepted an invitation from my elementary aged daughter to be part of a three-generation girl sleepover.  Yup, my daughter, myself, and my mom all slept in the living room after making truffles, other snacks, and playing on the Wii.

I got Dance Dance Revolution to play and exercise. (it really is fun!!!)

I’m taking piano lessons.  Yeah, me!  I had a few when I was younger, so I’m not a complete beginner, and I was a pretty good trombonist in high school, but I LOVE the piano.  It’s the kind of thing I can lose track of time while I’m at it. (in a good and holy way.)  Oh, is this ever FUN!!!  I’ve missed music and the tugs it makes on my soul…  It feels good and right to be back at it.

This playfulness and wasting time is heavenly and hellish at differing times.  And it’s changing my inner self.  My central “thing.”

I believe God’s going to use it for good, who knows how.  Let’s see how the next leg of this ol’ journey goes?  ;)

(another, different verse on my mind)

When he saw Jesus, he cried out and fell at his feet, shouting at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God?  I beg you, don’t torture me!”

Luke 8:28

(verse on my mind)

“What do you want me to do for you?”

“Lord, I want to see.”

Luke 18:41

Yup.  That verse caught my heart tonight and wouldn’t let me go.  I mean, okay, I had to look up the verse number and all, but the general idea wouldn’t let me go.

Peace

Shared article: Being Gentle with Your Faults

I got this as a comment on my most recent post:

1. Satchel Pooch Says: September 24, 2009 at 8:45 pm

For some reason this (my previous post) made me think of this: http://www.streetprophets.com/storyonly/2009/9/24/173034/950

(this is a post Satchel Pooch recomends, titled, “Midweek Vigil, Being Gentle With Our Faults.”  I liked it enough I wanted those of you who maybe aren’t following comments to get the link, too. Thanks, Satchel, and thanks to Shakti if this drops an internet crumb trail of links to you, too!!!)

Peace and Blessings to you this week! – Karla

Emotional Labor and Finding Renewal in God’s love

I have to complete continuing education courses to maintain my pharmacy degree. I was browsing online for some free ones to get a few of my credits in. I found one entitled, “Emotional Labor: How it can Affect the Practice of Pharmacy.”

I completed it, but I found it had application to anyone’s personal life, and probably lots and lots of people’s professional/career lives. Here’s a concept that I don’t usually hear, whether from work-related sources, or even the church much of the time:

Every patient feels that the doctor, pharmacist, etc., should care about their case like they do, but that would require far too much investment and effort. So many times it has to be “faked.”

I don’t know – last night I just found that kind of refreshingly forthright and honest. Saying aloud (in print) what we all already know. It is impossible to continuously feel what we are required/expected to portray to the outside world to whom we have covenental or contractual expectations to fulfill…those places where being genuine and letting it all hang out are simply not permissible. It didn’t say you can somehow get out of doing the right thing – acting in a compassionate, caring manner. Just acknowledging that sometimes it’ll amount to faking it. And it went on to give tips and strategies for having the best chance of having a recharged battery, and finding the wells that nourish and restore you…the places where you can let it all hang out.

Many would say faith in God is one of those places – in intimate personal prayer perhaps, where the hair can be let down, it can all hang out.   It’s hard though when you’ve spent a lifetime of acting your way into “really nice person” status and maintaining the veneer of nice respectable Christian person.  Where do you begin, and the act end, you might ask in one of your more anxious moments?  Would you like YOU, if you were able to peel away the act?  Many, and I include myself in that set, would say that true prayer is the place where the painful peeling can take place, and ironically enough, God gives reassurance that you don’t have to work so hard at being lovable.  That whole unconditional, all-forgiving love sort of thing.   And then paradoxically strengthened to return to the honest-to-goodness (sometimes hard!) emotional labor of being on for your patients and others in your life who really DO rely on you.  That kind of prayer requires courage to face yourself, and trust that God will do a good work in you and heal you.

Lord, give me courage and trust all my days.

New Rector starts tomorrow morning

And we have a SHE!  I’m kind of excited to finally get a new rector in place so we can start the next chapter of our parish life with some degree of stability and forward-looking-ness, and yes I know that isn’t a word, but you get the idea!

But this is our first female rector, so it’s especially interesting, and corner turning.  Stay tuned!

New (for me) Prayer Idea

I just love the way God works sometimes!

I belong to a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture), and got a discount on my vegetables by being the pickup site host…I call it my weekly veggie-sitting gig!

Anyway, I wasn’t too worried about the boredom of sitting around for a couple hours once a week…I’ve got books, mp3 player, a pad of paper and pen…I can easily entertain myself for a couple of hours, right?

Well, the pickup site is my church, so I have another way to amuse myself…a piano within eyesight of the front door that the veggie folks come to!

(yes, I play a LITTLE piano.  Emphasize LITTLE.)

Let me back up a little though.  I stumbled across this site for prayer on the mp3 when looking for the daily office as a podcast.  (note, this ISN’T a daily office podcast)

http://www.pray-as-you-go.org/

Now, I’m not sure this particular prayer podcast deeply speaks to me, but coincidentally enough, it reminded me of a prayer style that DOES!  Part of the podcast appears to be a rotating prayerful musical selection.  The particular Wednesday I was sitting there happened to be a week when Taize was the featured music.  I infrequently used to attend a Taize prayer service held at my church.  I think I want to get me a Taize album for my mp3 player!  If you haven’t heard Taize before you absolutely must give it a try!  Beautiful, repetitive, wonderful prayers set to sweet music that tugs at my heartstrings at least.

I’m trying to decide what album to purchase.  Anyone have any ideas?  I went to amazon.com and searched for taize as artist.  If you can recommend one album over another I’d love to hear your suggestion.  And if you’ve never listened to taize before you can go there to hear a brief clip to whet your spiritual appetite for more?

Pray without ceasing.  Let prayer pray within you.  That is most assuredly a niche for musical prayer (ever been unable to get a song out of your head?  Here are songs you want to feed into that endless repeat track!), and Taize is perhaps the perfect example of musical prayer!

Peace to you all, and I’d love to hear from you with opinions on this?

(bonus points for sharing your favorite taize chant with the cyberworld?  Bye again!)

About Me, revisited

I updated my “About Me” page today.

You see, in there I had previously referenced that I was still informally involved in the diaconal discernment process in my diocese of the Episcopal church.

As of Thursday, the letter to the bishop went in the mail.  I’m closing that chapter.

I feel pretty good about it.  Most people probably assumed I’d exited a long time ago, informal and off the radar as my explorations and Process was.  I don’t even get questions in my parish anymore.  Haven’t in a long time.

Close friends and spiritual confidantes I have been blessed with along the way have heard my wonders and struggles over these years.  Good, spiritually healthy struggles, please don’t misunderstand me.  Inwardly, it still occupied a great deal of my mental energies, despite my outward public appearances to most.

Until recently.  Then I was reminded that I really should be writing some sort of update on my discernment, or quite possibly finally saying goodbye.

Along with good bye to discernment is good bye to coordinating my small parish’s  Sunday school.  I have decided that I simply need a break.  The timing of the break may prove to be an unexpected blessing if it opens the door to an infusing of new ideas and energy in new leadership, or it may be terribly unfortunate, as we’ve been without a rector the past year, and are now on the brink of getting one.  No matter.  I had to listen to my heart on this one.  And I really and truly feel that God has laid his blessing on this…taking a break, and taking some time for renewal.

Heavenly Father.  In times of seeming silence and aloneness we need to call on faith that you remain near.  I trust and believe that you remain near, and are working in me to accomplish new growth, which I trust and believe will bear good fruit in due time.  Keep me receptive with wide open arms to what blessings and missions lie ahead…after I take a brief rest that is!  Amen.

Facing our darkness

I enjoy a blog called “real live preacher.”  I read this particular post a month or so ago, and some of the stuff reminded me of some of my stuff.  Wanting to be good, denying that darkness that lives inside all of us, etc. etc.  Recently I had an occasion where I allowed some of my darkness to surface and am currently pondering it to try and make some sense of it.  I haven’t decided yet if it was healthy or not…too soon to tell.  But it brought back to mind this blog post, and I thought you might find it interesting, too.

http://reallivepreacher.com/node/1384

Here’s a little taste, if you like.

That’s an interesting thing to say. “I’m trying to be what I’m supposed to be.” What are you supposed to be?

Okay, yeah yeah. I get this. I know. You’re supposed to be who you are, be yourself, all that. I get that. I’ve told people that myself. It’s just…I AM a person who wants to be what I’m…supposed to be. You know, do the right thing. Be the right person.

Okay, let me try again. I’m really not trying to catch you in some ontological paradox. I just don’t get it. You say you want to be what you are supposed to be. And I just want you to tell me what that is. Who is this person you’re supposed to be? How would you describe him?

I don’t know. Nice? Nice to people? Caring about them and just, you know, where you go places and interact with people and it’s better because you were there. People are better off. You help people when you can.

Okay I’m still not really getting it. How about this: we’ll allow that somewhere in your mind there is an idea of what a man is supposed to be. And let’s agree that this man you want to be is a wonderful man. Just a smashing person. Leaving beauty and healing and well-being in his wake as he goes through life. Real Jesus-like.

I’m not trying to be Jesus.

Well Foy, who are you? I mean now. Forget the man you are supposed to be or want to be or will be or whatever that is. Who are you now? Let’s imagine that there is no god looking over your shoulder, okay? And you’re in a secret room with someone who will never tell anyone what you say. And further, this person is going to think the best of you. So even if you felt like punching someone in the face, you could say that and the person listening knows you would never do that.

(a portion has been snipped out—go read the original!)

What did you say?

What I said was “F*** everyone in the world but me!”

———

Of course, I don’t mean it or anything.

I know you don’t.

untitled misc.

Tonight I was reading from “Simply Surrender” a collection of St. Therese of Lisieux’s writings gathered and combined with devotional prayers by the editor John Kirvan.  I understand this book is one in a series of devotionals based on the writings of highly regarded Christian mystics, “Christianity’s most beloved spiritual guides” as it states on the back cover.  Here’s some snippets that touched me tonight.

When everything looks black, it is indeed a heavy cross.  But you are not always to blame when this happens.  Do everything you can to detach yourself from passing cares, and then rest assured that your Father will do the rest.

and here’s another…

Do not be afraid to tell Jesus that you love him, even when you do not actually feel that love.  In this way you will compel him to come to you and carry you, like the child you will always be, too weak to walk on your own.”

and this one is precious.  To quote too much more would really stretch the understanding of publishers and plagiarism, but the context is God’s mercy and ready embrace, like the Father of the Prodigal Son, unfailingly ready to take us back in forgiveness and love…

Our Lord has every imaginable perfection but — dare I say it — he has one great handicap.  When it comes to his love for us, he is blind.  His heart thrills with joy when he has to deal with those who truly love, and who, after each little fault, fling themselves into his arms, imploring forgiveness.  He says to his angels what the prodigal’s father said to his servants: “Put a ring upon his finger, and let us rejoice.”